The good fortune made it that I could spend this beautiful day in the supposedly most romantic city in the world – Venice. Reason enough that I put some thoughts and experiences together on the topic of dating and the HSM. While we are honored to have been able to also post here a similar post by Rick Belden of “The Iron Family Outing”. There were many instances in my personal life where I disliked my own nature, and it has been a constant battle with self to get to the point of acceptance of my HSM identity. The first dating experiences when I was younger – starting at about 15 – were all coined by fear from my side if the girl would actually like me or not and then hesitation until the point at which she left and had usually developed interest for someone more sure of himself and non-doubting of his own attractiveness. In high school when the other guys and girls were all flirting with each other, “together” for a few days, and starting to write text messages or online on a constant basis, I would just sit there and usually observe them. But not only did I observe them, I wanted to be a part of it. Yet I couldn’t get myself to it. It just seemed that this hectic, fast-paced, springing-of-the-hormones environment was too stressful for me to engage in. I took time to think, I couldn’t talk to three girls at the moment, and feeling I was interested in one of them made me nervous starting to hold back any interaction from my side. Let alone the fact that this fight for attention by everyone around me seemed artificial and superficial. When I was almost 17 I finally did talk to a girl in my class that I was really interested in – and she seemed to be very interested to. We exchanged phone numbers and talked a lot after school; however in school I never got my nerve up to go over to her group and talk in class, some of her friends I wasn’t really comfortable with. Eventually when in the cinema I tried to make my move, yet was very unsure, and eventually she rejected me. Moreover, after many more attempts to call her she put me out in class and told me “Please get a life. And a personality.” Yuck, that hurt. I had written her poems for Christmas, and she told me that a bit before Valentine’s day. And there I sat asking myself what the heck I had done wrong, and why I can’t be like the other guys that seem to have multiple girls at the same time interested in them… So my journey of being “one of them began”. That was when the seduction community in the internet was just coming out, and I became one of the pioneers. I downloaded seminars, read e-books, heard audio-records and went ahead to change my behavior accordingly, driven by the pain of past rejection. And I truly did have a lot of fun trying on different behavior and getting different reactions. I guess HSMs know how to and enjoy feeling themselves into a possible other role – at least when it feels like being an actor in an interesting movie. Later I fell in love with a long-term girl-friend of mine and we saw that we had more feelings for each other. The relationship was great, and it taught me a lot. I naturally did all the things that I really enjoy – writing a poem for some anniversary, a thoughtful note in the handbag, a random decoration made from apricots of the garden in a heart-shape form just because I felt that way and loved to see her smile. Eventually the relationship ended – I ended it – as the tension and excitement seemed to be gone. My HSM soul was uninspired and understimulated by the situation I now see it. Well, being in University, the dating waters were ahead of me. Not knowing any better, I joined my friends in going out to nightclubs and to meet girls there. Yet I felt the same way as in high school. Loud music, lots of smoke, people drunk – I didn’t admit to myself I don’t enjoy such a scene. Yet, I never really talked to girls and started a conversation, I danced to the music and enjoyed having a new environment to observe and study. Some less-than-meaningful dates and “Hey-what-club-do-you-go-to?” dates later – about 1 year of this, I met another girl that would change my life. Ironically, I met her when going out and she was out for about the first time. Our view was magic, she smiled at me, me smiling back – instant attraction. What we had was beautiful. It became about 1 ½ years with a girl that introduced me from date 3 to the idea of HSPs. There is no doubt that she is the real inspiration behind this website and me having gone into this whole topic and understanding myself. As an HSP herself, she told me about it and lent me a back to read, as I would probably be interested in it as well. Life got us busy, many fights within myself for not accepting my true self later, and she was on with her life, to see more of the world and what the dating world has to offer. I was heartbroken, yet found a book in my room that she had left. “The Highly Sensitive Person in Love” by Elaine Aron. Missing her I started to read and that was the beginning. Long journeys into all the possible HSP literature later I realized that she had been right all along, and that I was probably really a HSP. What to do about it – I still didn’t want to accept, after all the seduction community talks about being an alpha, a group leader, going out and being novelty-seeking, god-knows-what. It wasn’t seemingly compatible with the HSM thing. I felt that I had two options:
- Keep on developing into the attractive group alpha that I felt was the only way to “have girls” (and avoid dating mistakes of the past).
- Accept being an HSM which explained what I did in the past and feeling victimized to never truly be attractive to women.
I dated little in the coming time, the internal agendas kept me too busy to take on “more work” from the outside. I couldn’t bare the thought that I could not be attractive to women because of the way I was born. Yet, I also knew too much and had found myself too much in the HSP books that I could go back to trying on behaviours that were not me (some of them were! And I did integrate them, but most not!!) And the young and unsettling man inside of me was striving for the point that there must be a better way. We cannot be born to like the arts, to like the subtle and details, to be overwhelmed by observing and enjoying the beauty of a woman that we are around, and then be doomed to dating misery and being friend-zoned forever; after all, our endowment must also be a blessing we yet have to realize. The only thing that rang true for me was to finally embrace the things I really enjoyed doing, whether they seemed attractive or not. Samely, the thing I just did was to talk to women I was really attracted to and telling them that I find them beautiful and would like to meet them for a coffee and get to know them better. Lessons learnt some months down the road are that there truly is a better way. And there is a way to be an HSM and be loved by women – not just as friend, but also as a caring and passionate lover. Dr Ted Zeff (who we are very honored to have embraced and encouraged our website!) not only mentions these advantages, but also how important it is for the HSM to find a woman that is supportive of his sensitive side. In his great read “The Strong, Sensitive Boy”, Ted Zeff mentions many stages along the development of and dealing with the HSM identity. The success formula if you can call it that is a mixture of you being yourself and then finding the right stir for the pot. The bad news is that the big number of women out there may still be unavailable to our advances, but that is the way it is supposed to be. I have had the honor of making acquaintance with quite some women that truly enjoy what the HSM has to offer. The “trick” is to find them and be able to “screen them out”. More on that in future postings. For today, please enjoy the Valentine’s Day, or hopefully you already did, and don’t feel bad about the fact that you enjoy this day and might prepare a surprise with a lot of happiness instead of the typical guys-speech “Ah, another time this stupid day. Have to buy flowers and chocolate or she will be angry” stuff. You are not alone ;), – Chrisi